i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
