my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
