it was like his penis was on wheels.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
