Got a toothbrush?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
