It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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