Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They took my balls.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
