yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
