can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
