My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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