I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
420 ftw
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize