Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
