I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
