I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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