I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
