just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
