I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I am available for nakedness
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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