the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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