i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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