Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
