Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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