so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
