dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
