You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
