I think I won the penis lottery.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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