so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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