At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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