I wish I could teleport
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
