after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
