worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
