is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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