and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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