I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
