i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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