3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
