Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
