I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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