The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
