so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
