Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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