wanna go halves on a baby?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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