She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
