i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
