eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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