dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
