okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
