I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
