My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
