Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
