I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
