The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
