I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
