Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
