can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
