speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
